The sad love story of Basil the Basilisk and Squiddy the giant squid
by soofis
Summary: Another year, another prank. Gandalf (Dumbledoor) continues his quest of making Frodo's (Harry's) life miserable. He is also becoming more and more aware of the issues with this world. Mainly the finacial issues that comes with having a giant squid who loves oranges.


Minerva, please. How many times must I ask you to stop questioning my decision to eradicate all fully grown mandrakes, I am the great and possibly (yet to be confirmed) all knowing Gandal… Dumbledore. I know what I am doing.

A three sentence summary of my summer.

Also the occasional check-in with the redheads and the midget. Oh, almost forgot the most important thing. The annual hiring of a new dark arts professor. Or maybe it's defense against the dark arts? Who even knows anymore right?

This event was a real highlight of the few months I get to spend alone and without the midget called Harry (Frodo). Now, Gilderoy Lockhart is a real peach. Also, not as much of an idiot as you might think. It takes a lot of brain to make a fortune of off lying and pretending to have done a bunch of things that someone else actually did. Just look at me, Dumbledore was clearly a manipulative assholy old idiot. It is not entirely trivial to pretend to be him. Constantly pretending to not pretend to manipulate kids, and pretending to not pretend while actually pretending to enjoy myself doing it. What a sadistic prick, huh?

Back to Gilderoy, pretty sure Dumblefuck is (was?) gay. And Peach #1 is really good looking, if I wasn't an immortal (and awesome) wizard (the non-human kind) I would totes hit that. But since I am indeed not even human, the peach will have to do without my gloriousness. Also, no one (and I mean no one) will ever be better at the whole frick fracking than the ents. Seriously. Most ordinary mortal people would die, but if you ever find yourself in a situation where you're immortal (awesomeness is not required, but highly encouraged), go find some ents.

The midget's relatives appears to have put bars on his window, apparently that is not alarming to their neighbors. To be honest, I don't really know much about raising kids in this world so I'm going to trust that they know what they're doing. I mean, back in middle earth kings occasionally locked their daughters in high towers. Guarded by freaking dragons or orcs or like really tall grass, depending on the economy.

Speaking of the economy, between buying all those roosters and the constant need for more oranges, things are not looking to great. But if I let that Malfoy get on the ball sport game thingy team, his daddy (not his sugar daddy) might give me (the school) some money. Or I could just steal some more from the midget's vault, I'm sure he won't mind.

Waow, a flying car Weasley.. Pretty sure that's illegal. Also illegal: driving without a licence. Also also illegal: Driving a flying car without a license. Also also also illegal: Driving underage without parental supervision. Also also also also illegal: Driving a flying car underage without parental supervision and without a license. Also also also also also illegal: Driving a flying car underage without parental supervision and without a license to kidnap your friend from his legal guardians.

How is Arthur Weasley still working for the government?

Woo, success! Ponytail Malfoy put the diary in Ginny's cauldron, just as I planned.

Another year, another first day of school feast. Where in the hell is the midget? Is it possible that he grew even shorter, and I simply can't see him because my glorious eyes simply cannot see him anymore?

Oh, he flew into the whomping willow with the illegal flying car. That's cool. Minerva can handle it.

Gilderoy the peach is even more fun than I thought he would be, if I didn't hate him so much we could have totally been best buds. Literally everything he says is gold. I have gotten a diary of my own (without a horcrux in it) to document his many and glorious quotes. Here are a few of my favorites:

Oh wow, an empty list. I was just kidding before. Being in the same room as him makes me want to kill myself, with a door. Preferably a cool one.

MOHAHAhahaha, lol. Harry being a parselmouth makes the prank with the basilisk a million times better. He's gonna think he's going insane! Flippin hilarious!

I should probably look into the fact that no one in the Weasley clan is noticing the fact that their sister is clearly possessed. Or anybody else for that matter... What is wrong with these people?

And more importantly, what is wrong with the squid?

Squiddy, as I've named the squid, has escalated the situation quite a bit (no escalators were hurt in the process). Instead of simply taking oranges from the kitchen, Squiddy has taken to building an orange tree in the lake. Which is impossible! Orange trees do not grow in water! Not only that, because Squiddy is in fact a squid and an idiot, Squiddy stole normal trees from the forbidden forest and painted them orange. This wasn't a viable option for making orange trees for two reasons. Number 1: Squiddy wanted orange trees (the species) with oranges, not simply orange trees (the colour orange). And number 2: SQUIDDY DIDN'T USE WATERPROOF PAINT. ON TREES THAT WERE PLANTED IN A FUCKING LAKE.

This cost a lot of money. The school can no longer afford to pay everyone working here. I the immortal (and awesome) Gandalf came up with the perfect plan to fix this though, so no need to worry. I changed all the house elves' memories so that they all think that we've never paid them. So now whenever we try to offer them money, they refuse. In fact, some of them took it so far as to rob Gringotts and give me money for allowing them to work here. #geniusGandalfatwork.

At least I don't have to worry about moping basilisks anymore. Basil, as I've named the basilisk, is having a lot of fun being controlled by the eleven year old girl. And I'm having even more fun. Seeing the midget's face when Fawkes caught on fire right in front of him was totally worth waiting for. It wouldn't have been as fun last year when he didn't think he was crazy. Watching the midget slowly descend into insanity is a fun way to pass the time. That the midget crew thinks it's tiny Malfoy when it's actually Ron's little sister Ginny is even more fun. I am a bit concerned about Hermione though. What 12-13 year old thinks the best idea to spy on someone is to brew a highly dangerous and complicated potion that turns them into other people when they have an invisibility cloak at their disposal? Seriously, the easy way is sometimes the right one.

Oh look at that! Your genius plan backfired, and now no one can look at you without bursting into tears from laughing too much.

Dang it! Harry apparently has the diary now. What kind of person throws their diary in the toilet just because you don't like that it's possessing you and making you lose time and turns you in to a rooster killer. What a drama queen.

Oh wait it's back with Ginny! Yay.

Finally! I have a legitimate reason to get rid of the giant buffoon known as Hagrid. Wait Hagrid, don't tell them to go into the forbidden forest! How dare you undermine my authority! I specifically tell people not to go in there! God damnit! Besides, Harry already knows about the giant ass spider dude. You are literally the most unhelpful person in the entire world.

Oops… Totally forgot about Moaning Myrtle, or well I repressed any and all memories I had about her. So creepy. And who becomes a ghost, and just like, decides that living in a toilet is the most reasonable thing to do. Dude… You can fly! Go see the world. Or something. Just leave Hogwarts… And stop acting like a pervert. Please.

Minerva just became even less likeable, and so did the rest of the teachers. Seriously? A girl is literally about to die! And what do you do? Do you spend your time scouring the school for clues to where she might be? Do you talk to the midget who actually knows something about all this? Do you go to the library to do some research?

NO! You sit there in your stupid teachers' lounge and talk about how tragic it is. And then you send the least competent teacher to look for her while you sit there and drink tea. You all suck.

You go Fawkes! We want the midget broken, not dead. Am kind of impressed that he killed Basil, also nervous for the future. Squiddy is going to lose Squiddy's shit, and ink. It's going to cost so much to cleanse the lake of all the ink, and the apparently toxic paint used on the trees. Stupid midget.

Aah, another year passed! Oh shit, Slytherin is winning again. Hmm… 200 points to Harry Potter for ruining my life, and bankrupting the school. And to Ron, also 200 points. For completely missing the fact that your only sister spent her first year being possessed by a diary, good job!

And this year, we will have the final feast in pajamas! For some reason. The reason totally not being for me to finally show off my new night hat. Onion colored with trolls dancing around all over.

Meanwhile elsewhere.

What the fuck?

_The end_


End file.
